if you only knew the lengths i'd go to
It’s just about the most dickish thing in the history of things to make a photoset of yourself, right?
Especially when you obviously spent time cropping photos to the same size?
Ah well, a bit of vanity for a Saturday morning. I just want a bit of evidence on how far I’ve come in being myself* in the past two years.
* “myself” is, of course, a thing that changes, but I do truly feel more comfortable with ridiculous hair and outlandish makeup and a whole lot less weight on my bones than I did before I got into any of this, when I’d still stand out, but be a whole lot more awkward about it
The thing about today is, I’ve seen it coming for years. And I’ve dreaded it for just as long. And I’ve had no right to, and I don’t dread it now (I have less right to than ever), but I’m scared.
My brother and sister-in-law are moving away. They actually are.
And they’ve been saying for ages that Vancouver is where they’d eventually move. I fought it back then, told them they didn’t need to move there, that they should stay here! Exactly what people say when they don’t see anywhere else worth living and don’t want to lose what they have.
I’m moving in seven or eight months, so I can hardly deny people their dreams, couldn’t stop them if I tried.
But it’ll be weird.
And it’ll be upsetting.
And it’s only hitting me now.
My brother and sister-in-law used to be some of the closest people in the world to me. And I still love them dearly, but various factors have made us drift apart, the way people do.
Jenny is getting on a plane tonight to Vancouver. Chris is here for a couple of months still, staying with my parents. I’m worried about the look on Chris’s face when Jenny leaves, his wife he hasn’t gone without seeing for longer than a couple of days in the ten years they’ve been together. My brother, without his wife for two-and-a-bit months. I don’t think it’s quite hit him yet either.
The other night, as I was leaving Jenny’s goodbye party and I didn’t know if that was the last time I’d be seeing her in a couple of years (because I can’t go and visit any time soon, not with every bit of spare money I have going directly into my future), we decided to smile widely at each other instead of getting emotional about it.
Life changes, good ones. We might as well embrace it.
And I hope to carry on with it tonight, not make a scene, not be the one crying hardest again the way I was at their wedding, the day my brother got married and the other guests asked me, “Are you okay?” Yes, besides the fact that I’m composed entirely of raw emotion.
But I’m afraid, because I’ve found myself teetering a couple of times already.
So goodbye to you, Jenny. You’re my sister-in-law and a dear friend, and I’m so grateful that you and Chris have stayed this many years longer than you might have liked to. I understand how it feels to know in your heart that another city is home, and I know it was probably really hard a lot of times to be across the country from your family. We’ll miss you like stupid, I hope you know.
And I’m sorry we drifted apart, and I’m sorry things have changed, and I hope when we have to work a bit harder to keep in touch, when we’re not thrown together at family functions, it’ll mean a bit more.
You and Chris were always the best part of family gatherings, the ones I’d wait for impatiently as all the other relatives were arriving. I always knew that, even if we hadn’t seen each other for a while, even if our tastes had changed dramatically, we’d still enjoy each other’s company. Still have some laughs about silly things.
But the next time I see you after today, it’ll either be in your beloved Vancouver or my beloved London, and that’s a bit exciting, innit?
(via colourinsideofmyworld)
Money is the terrifying bit.
$500 saved for a while, nearly $800 for a bit until a record demanded to be bought (and surely it was wiser of me to take the money for something that essential-but-shallow from my own savings than to put my real debts in the hole, hard though it was), now just under $700. I had a panic when I added up my savings and thought I had $100 less than I do.
But it’ll be okay.
There’s a rare and joyous thing called a three pay month, and this is one. While my grand plan to put away half my rent from each of my first two paycheques has already failed (oh, how I need to figure out how to money before I so much as attempt to move across the world…!) I still intend to at least even out my savings to $1000 with the money.
And then put together three times that much in only a few months’ more time than I’ve already spent. Oh.
This will take a lot more care in spending, a lot less silly things, a lot of thought about how much more important London is to me than silly little trinkets. I want to have a garage sale. I asked my Mom if I could move back into their place for December 1st, and she said yes.
Things are moving along.
And it’s a constant panic. It’s strange, though, how the idea of moving away was exciting but tearjerking back in October when I realized I needed to, realized I couldn’t live this life of mine away from London because it’s just a waste if I’m not there. How it’s gotten easier, more doable. Not easy, mind - the thought of leaving people makes my stomach sink like nothing else. That will never be easy.
But there’s something about watching my brother and sister-in-law organize themselves to do something similar - no visa hassles or anything for them, though; how nice it must be to have your chosen home within the same country as you! - that makes it feel all the more real. Jenny’s leaving Ottawa in just over two weeks, and whenever I speak to either of the two of them we compare future homes.
I tell everyone about London. I couldn’t back out now if I wanted to. I wouldn’t want to, but.
I couldn’t back out now if I got scared and thought staying in my small life with limited possibilities would be easier. And it would be, but Ottawa won’t ever be where I belong. I’ll never know French and I’ll always pine for London.
So I’ll go to London.
And somehow, before next January or February or whatever it ends up being (one of the two, let’s say), I’ll go from the $699.50 I have this very moment to about $4000, and I worry more and more that won’t be nearly enough as I’m shit with money, but when it’s important, surely I can manage it…?
And this will be the most important thing I’ve ever done. And I will do it. And when I’m there I’ll be so much braver and better than I am here. I won’t be too paralyzed by fear to take chances. I’ll write home or I’ll skype with my absolute beauties here and I’ll tell them of all the things I’ve done, and I’ll be so impressive. By god, I’ll be impressive.
So here goes: end of May, upwards of $1000. Okay, Leslie? Okay? You ready for this challenge? You know how you like success!
Besides which, it’s all about short-term goals leading up to the real ones, yeah? Let’s blow this shit right outta the water, self!
Off I go to wander about London with my weird facial expression!
So I was thinking of London which is definitely not a thing I ever do and it’s all six months ago now which is ridiculous so I thought to myself, I thought, “What was I doing six months ago today?” and this.
So then I recreated the photo.
Six months on, y’all~
I haven’t actually been able to save for the UK at all since before Christmas, which is a bit of a downer. I was doing really well up to then, so I managed to hide $500 away between the beginning of November and when I stopped, and then nothing. And… nothing. Aaand… nothing.
And then last week I realized that I may have mostly dug myself out of my debt hole, and that I don’t have any trips out of town planned for the next while, and I started stashing money away again.
And I just hit $600. It’s not much of a change, but it’s a positive sign. I’m less than 1/6 of the way to what I’m hoping to have saved before I take any actual steps, but yunno.
Point being: yesssssssss.
- I will never not be hugely bothered by the fact that books cost so fucking much to buy new but pretty much have no selling value whatsoever immediately thereafter
- eventually I’ll stop giving a shit and just like… sell them for a buck or less each, I guess
- because I really just need to get rid of them
- the ones I care about a lot I will keep but mostly I’m just stuck with a shitload of books I bought on a whim and read or didn’t read and I am not hauling this shit with me across the world
- sorry books, I love you a lot, buuuuut
So, the way I’m planning on moving to London next year, my brother and sister-in-law are planning on moving to Vancouver this year. It’s been kind of up in the air for a long while, and now it’s coming together: since they’re in a lot of debt, Jenny is going to head out there first (next month) and stay with her parents, who live there, and get established working with her mother, who’s a pretty successful baker (she got it somewhere). She won’t have to pay rent while she’s staying with them, and she’ll make some money.
Meanwhile, Chris is going to move back into my parents’ place for a couple of months, so that he can make a bunch of money without having to pay rent or bills, and he’ll move out there once he’s gotten rid of a bunch of debt and there’s a job opening for him. He’s thinking July.
I don’t see Chris and Jenny nearly as often as I used to, and we’re definitely not as close as we once were, but it’s still quite sad to imagine them leaving. I get especially sad thinking of my mother and how she’s had me and Chris here our entire lives and, all of a sudden, within the space of about six months, she’ll lose both of us to other cities six to seven hours’ flight away. She’s incredibly supportive, but it hurts my heart a lot to think of it.
However, I did kind of gingerly ask if it’d be okay with my parents if I did the same thing as Chris a couple of months before I go, move back home so I can save money. She said she’d been thinking that too and of course I could, so that conversation is over and done with, and that’s one less thing to worry about when the time comes.
Life changes are weird, guys.
- combat the feelings of desperate sadness about not being in London by working to get back to London
- you’ll miss everyone here
- you definitely will
- but you’ll be living your life
- and you’ll be in London
- and you’ll meet amazing people
- and everything will be incredible
- combat the feelings of desperate sadness about not being in London by working to get back to London
I hope you know that this isn’t fucking fair, world.
(My own fault, clearly, for looking at flats online, as if I can help myself.)
